Alex Jones FREAKS OUT After The Onion Buys His Precious Infowars

Alex Jones’ “Find Out Stage” has been hilarious to watch. On Thursday, Alex Jones had a meltdown in a video he posted on Twitter (we’re gonna deadname that platform as long as Elon continues to deadname his daughter) after The Onion bought his precious Infowars. Jones has been beleaguered by debt following the massive judgment against him for his years-long crusade against the victims of the deadly 2012 Sandy Hook shooting and their families.

For years, Jones spread conspiracy theories that not only made these poor people’s lives hell, but endangered those lives as well. The families were awarded $1.5 billion, but Jones is broke. In his bankruptcy proceedings, the Sandy Hook families offered to settle the debt for a mere $85 million plus 50% of Jones’ income over $8 million over the next decade. Jones, naturally, is being forced to sell off his assets to pay the families — including Infowars, which was purchased by satire publication The Onion with a little bit of help from Sandy Hook families. Naturally, Jones is a bit upset with this news.

The “Find Out” Stage

“The dissolution of Alex Jones’ assets and the death of Infowars is the justice we have long awaited and fought for,” says Robbie Parker, who daughter was a victim of the horrific shooting, which left 20 children and six adults dead. The Onion owns everything — social media accounts, the studio in Austin, Texas, all of Infowars’ trademarks, and video archive. The ads will look a bit different on Infowars, as its “exclusive launch advertiser” according to The Onion will be Everytown For Gun Safety.

The most beautiful part is that the families accepted a smaller payout in exchange for increasing the value of The Onion’s bid — just to help rip the most important thing in the world from his hands. It really is beautiful.

“Last broadcast now live from Infowars studios. They are in the building. Are ordering shutdown without court approval,” a visibly distraught Jones says in a video posted to Twitter. Jones explains that he learned he was being shut down 15 minutes before he filmed the video. Jones blames Infowars’ fate on “The Deep State” (right-wing for “The Jews”), which he says is “out of control. The Onion, for its part, had this to say:

Through it all, InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.

No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars.

Make no mistake: This is a coup for our company and a well-deserved victory for multinational elites the world over.

Congratulations to the Sandy Hook families and the Global Elites at The Onion. This is the most delicious form justice could take.