Trump’s 80th Looks Like WrestleMania Sponsored By Spirit Halloween

Donald Trump’s desperate desire to be a fully-formed, big boy dictator has officially bled into his birthday celebration, as he’s channeled his inner Roman Empire into his newly unveiled birthday party plans.

Over the weekend, the United States tyrant president gave one of his trademarked, long-winded, and rambling speeches to sailors gathered at the Naval Station Norfolk in Virginia, marking the upcoming 250th anniversary of the U.S. Navy.

But Donald seemed far more concerned about his own birthday than he was about the Navy’s.

Back in July, Trump publicly floated the idea of hosting an  Ultimate Fighting Championship event on White House grounds.

During his speech on Sunday, he officially confirmed that he will, in fact, be hosting an all-out UFC brawl at what is supposed to be the most revered and respected House in the nation.

“And on June 14th next year, we’re going to have a big UFC fight at the White House, right at the White House on the grounds of the White House,” Trump announced to sailors assembled for his speech. He failed to mention that June 14th is, coincidentally, his own big 80th birthday.

The event, which will undoubtedly go down in history as the tackiest bullsh-t the White House has ever been subjected to, seems to be tied into a wider span of national celebrations to mark not only the fact that Trump is one year closer to the grave, but also to mark 250 years since the signing of the U.S. Declaration of Independence.

Retired UFC fighter Conor McGregor has already thrown his ass into the proverbial ring, announcing in a Fox News interview last week that he “will compete in the White House for America’s 250th birthday.”

“Done deal, signed, delivered, it ain’t a negotiation,” the 37-year-old two-time UFC champion told Sean Hannity.

UFC President Dana White also touched on the topic of a White House brawl in a post-fight press conference at UFC 320 in Nevada over the weekend, saying, “In February, we’ll start looking at building the White House card, which I will right now tell you will be the greatest fight card ever assembled in the history of, at least, definitely this company.”

However, he pissed on McGregor’s parade when he added, “I made it clear Conor wants to fight on that card, and you can clearly see Conor is very fired up to fight on that card. But nothing is done yet, and no fights are being negotiated with the White House.”

Though I can’t imagine that Trump would object to Connor’s participation, seeing as McGregor was found liable for sexual assault in a civil court in his native country of Ireland, making him and Donnie two peas in a rapist pod.

Both misery and sexual assault love their company, I hear.

We can only imagine that Donnie is sitting around crossing his short fingers and chubby toes, praying that this birthday bash goes better than the last one.

For his 79th birthday, Donald co-mingled his birthday celebration with the U.S. Army’s 250th anniversary and attempted to channel his inner Putin with a Russian-style military parade.

I have absolutely no doubt that those pitiful little tanks are still squeaking through his nightmares to this day.

Since the Soviet-style didn’t pan out well for him, Trump has altered course for next year and pulled his inspiration from a different autocratic system as he fleshes out what can only be described as a modern-day gladiator fight. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if spectators were offered a variety of breads and wines to nosh as trumpets and horns blare across Donald Trump’s White House colosseum.

As skillfully noted by a friend, the man truly is epitomizing the notion of “elect a clown, expect a circus.”

Frankly, I’m just surprised and a bit relieved that it’s not an execution via monster truck demolition derby, lest we be forced to live out the entire plot of Idiocracy. 

Featured image via YouTube screen capture